Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Randomize
