I just pynch a tree in the face
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
