I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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