Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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