lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
