When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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