he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
