There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
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