I heard we made out
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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