I think im going to throw up on grandma
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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