It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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