I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
