i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Randomize
