I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
