Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
