when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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