you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
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Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
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I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.