I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..