if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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