Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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