tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
