I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
