Pants 0. Shit 1.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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