I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
