Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
