if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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