He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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