Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
i think we sleep fucked last night...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
