I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
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I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
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I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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