I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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