Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
