I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Randomize
