So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
