God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
