im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
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