and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?