where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Randomize
