you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
