I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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