My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Less talking, more tequila
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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