Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
