The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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