i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Randomize
