she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
