one word: firstdatebathroomanal
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
