she woke up with a sticky ear
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You can't just leave with hair like that
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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