we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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