If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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