I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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