I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
