Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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