Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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