have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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