did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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I miss vodka workout Fridays
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize