the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
