He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Randomize
