1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
