Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
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I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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