I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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