I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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