I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
